Wow, my first blog. Even just saying the words makes me feel excited, but also nervous. So I decided on the first topic being relative to sharing and that is, Finding my Voice. Of all the things I have experienced, the traumas I have healed myself from, the false core narratives I have corrected and let melt away, THIS was the hardest to concur and something that still creeps around from time to time. Finding your voice is a HUGE part of connecting to one’s true and higher self. It tangles in with healing, forgiveness, self-love, self-esteem, honoring your sacred space and more. Finding my Voice was such a long journey and one I actively still work on, and it is not just the fear of what I say being worthy of being listened to, it is setting boundaries, it is not being afraid to speak truth, it is about the little girl inside me desperately seeking to fit in and people please her way into being liked or even loved. Setting Boundaries are not walls to block others out. They are barriers that set us free to love the right people, most importantly ourselves! Often I would feel like the Little Mermaid when she lost her voice, it was like the words would gather up inside of me, but would never come out. They would run through my mind over and over, but never see the light of day. I would try, but to no avail.
What I learned in my journey is that Finding your Voice takes acknowledging and healing from events that caused you to want to suppress it to begin with. For me it stemmed back to childhood. Most kids are told to be “seen and not heard”. Anyone else remember that? Well, I think I took that saying to heart and not only that, but coming from a broken home made me want to behave even more for fear of abandonment. Could it also have been the molester who threatened my life and the lives of those I loved to keep quiet? Yea, I am pretty sure that contributed. Then from 5-15 being bullied so horribly, this furthered my deep desire to people please and fit in. So I let friends betray me, let fellow students bully me and walk all over me. I just wanted to fit in, I wanted so desperately to have a place at a lunch table rather than sneaking and eating my food in a bathroom stall. I wanted to walk to class with friends, but instead was pushed down flights of stairs. I remember opening up to a girl who I thought was my best friend about being molested as a child, she in turn told the whole school my dad raped me just to be cool and left me in the dust.
This, along with major self-esteem and self-love issues, continued to steam roll into early adulthood leading me into several controlling and abusive relationships, including a marriage. I did get out of them one by one, worse for the wear with each one, further burrowing these issues within me. So, several one sided friendships later and a fresh divorce under my belt I started re-evaluating why this continued to happen to me. I took responsibility and some hard looks in the mirror. You see, just because I had been a victim DID NOT mean I had to BE a victim. It was time to find my voice… Or was it? I tried, and for a minute there I was doing ok, but I wasn’t doing enough of the ground work. I wasn’t facing my demons, I was trying to be a “Positive Polly”, but I wasn’t honoring myself or my story. I wasn’t laying a foundation for long term success. Then my Mom passed away and I was forced to face what I so desperately tried to avoid, because I was broken down to my core when I lost her. So I pulled myself from the abyss and started to rebuild from the ground up!
First Heal, then Reveal
First it was the required healing from the trauma or life events that suppressed my voice, and created the false core narratives that “I am annoying, no one wants to hear me”, or “If I say something they won’t like me anymore or think I am weird”, “I can’t fully share myself with someone or speak my truth”, “It is ok, I will just forgive them so I am not alone, no need to discuss or bring up that they hurt me”, “It could be worse”, and “I have to say yes, or they will get mad and not invite me anymore". Sound familiar? So I went back and did some Shadow work to heal from those trauma’s and life events. I used every tool at my disposal for healing, and really customized it to what worked for me. I would journal, write poetry, go on long nature walks, meditate. I was regressed into past lives, I read books that inspired me, I tried new creative outlets for myself, crystals, energy healing, and I even saw a counselor. What I find is you really have to play with it. Develop what works for you! You can use this method for any traumas or life events that may have caused other negative core values. I used this method for all of mine! My favorite part was when I wrote letters to those I needed to forgive, and really allowed myself to work through those events and feelings. Then I burned the letters and released all that went along with them. Most of all, I loved when I forgave myself! I really started to connect with my soul, my intuition, spirituality, and the Universal Divine!
Who do you Love?
Once I laid the ground work foundationally, by addressing the issues at the root, I began to work at my inner dialogue to myself. No more negative self-talk to reaffirm these false core beliefs. Time to work on self-love and self-esteem. Slowly, but surely this gave me more and more confidence and I was living each day more and more authentically. I took more time for myself and realized I loved the moments I could quiet my mind, and listen to my soul. Intuition is the soul’s language. Soon I was speaking my truth, connecting to my Intuition, my gifts, my higher self and My Voice! This in turn shifts your perspective to one of gratitude for the trials and tribulations and for the lessons they brought me. It raises your consciousness to one of understanding that there is a balance to all things and you trust in that balance so much more when you are connected to yourself! You start to feel so connected to everything and everyone, more importantly to yourself.
Honoring My Sacred Space
Now that I had laid the foundation of healing, gaining strength, love, confidence, and self-esteem it was time to honor that beautiful space I had created for myself. So, I started removing negative people from my life, anyone with toxic energy including extended family had to go! I stopped letting people hurt me and instead my new energy drew in loving and happy people into my life. My circle I surrounded myself with began to blossom into something beautiful. I learned what “No” meant, I learned about honoring my story and sacred space, I learned about self-care and what I needed to do for myself to maintain grounding and balance. What I also discovered is the strength to know when to "speak up" and when not to. There are times where I have realized, it just would not matter what I say because the other person is not receptive to having meaningful dialogue. The whole, "you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink" saying. People can change, people can listen, receive, grow, but only if THEY choose to open themselves up and that is something they truly want. Everyone will come to raise their consciousness at their own time, we have to be mindful and respectful of that process. I also learned to listen better, truly hear what I was being told, thus giving me a much deeper perspective. I realized also that “Hurt People, Hurt People.” This was deeply profound, and taught me a lot about projecting, gas lighting, etc. It overall changed the way I communicated with myself, and others.
Then I started the journey to help others like me find their voices too! As a healer, we do NOT HEAL – we are conduits, we hold a space for others to realize they have it within them to heal their own selves. We simply provide the tools, love, support and guidance to do so. Again, as mentioned above, they have to want it for themselves. For me, I love helping others ignite the light, love, and healing within. Here I am years later, blessed to be doing just that and still learning new things about myself each day. Life is a beautiful journey and I intend to soak up every part of mine, the good, the bad, and everything in between. Once you connect to your true self, the possibilities seem endless. The gratitude is warm, and the balance you see in life is magical. Why is finding my voice one of the hardest lessons in my life as I stated in the beginning of this blog? Well because it is still something that I work toward each and every day. To fight the urge to say yes, when I want and need to say no, to express myself fully and unapologetically, to share my story and speak my truth even if it is a hard subject, because it may be just what someone needs.
I resist the feeling of being an outcast, or the third wheel, or a weirdo and just say what I mean, mean what I say! In those moments of seeing people hanging out without me, I resist the urge of feeling like that little girl eating in the bathroom stall. I tell myself “It is ok, you do not have to be invited to everything, you are still loved and worthy. You are not that little girl anymore”. I let those emotions flow through me, without resistance and then send them off with love as they are not truth and do not serve me. I trust myself and plunge forward, resisting the urge to fall back into bad patterns because I have worked so hard to have the foundation I have. You can too! Just as you are reading this, your voice is ignited! Being raw, and authentically you takes so much more strength than not. Findings one’s voice may not be easy, but the rewards are limitless. Finding your voice leads to such beautiful discoveries and growth, it becomes much more than just finding your voice as you have read above. It ensures you are living your best life, attracting and surrounding yourself with what you deserve, it is the path of resistance, it is what the world so desperately needs rights now. Who knows, you may even end up helping those along the way! Finding and using your voice is an essential part of living a full life, you came here to live! So speak up my brothers and sisters, find your voice, strengthen your voice, use your voice, YOU deserve to be heard!
Hello, my name is Jaclyn Duvall and the goal of this blog is authenticity, rawness, and by honoring my story encouraging others to honor theirs. My hope for this blog is to encourage everyone to exude the above mentioned qualities, but to also realize that in humanity our stories, trials and tribulations, our “jagged edges” so to speak can be beautiful, powerful, and are what connect us as human beings like puzzle pieces of life. Everyone deserves to be heard, and on here I encourage interaction with my blogs to engage everyone in conversation. Let’s spread Light & Love, support, communication, lets learn from each other as we are meant to. Let us dig deep and connect to our Intuition and Higher Selves. Ignite the power already within you! Rather than feel without, look within. Know you are not alone, and you are enough!