**Written on Thursday, May 9th, 2019 ~ Five Years since losing my Mom**
Today marks five years since my Moms passing of cancer. I find myself walking around like a zombie with the weather having an overcast and the on and off rain. Feels like a hot tea, under a blanket binging movies kind of day. I fight the flashes of what I witnessed in my Moms battle with cancer, her final moments and after. They bombard my mind like a war I cannot stop. Tears well up in my eyes about a hundred times as I traipse through my day, trying to work, but wish I were home. Five years. Five years that somehow makes you feel ripped into two spaces. One, I cannot believe it has been five years and the other being, five years feels like forever since I was able to hug her. Then your heart aches with longing. Grief and loss have that effect, to make you feel both the time flying and standing still all at once and very regularly. I was listening to a speaker the other day talk about her loss, and she said something that really touched me. She said, “It is not like a bone that I broke that will be set in surgery and eventually heal. I have been touched by something chronic.” Yes, chronic. That word is all too familiar to me. I had lost other people in my life, and though I missed them, THIS loss had touched me deeply. I have been touched by something chronic. I carry the loss of my Mom every day. Though I thought time would help, it almost seems to hurt more. The year she died it just so happened to be two days before Mother’s Day. So I got the distinct pleasure (sarcasm intended) of planning her funeral and putting together picture boards on Mother’s Day 2014. It felt like a cruel joke that would never end. While I had been working on the funeral details flashes of the funeral home rolling her out of our childhood home in a body bag making it hard to breathe as I completed my tasks, I wanted to make sure her funeral would honor her, so I had to focus. Realizing no Mother's Day would be the same again.
Wow, my first blog. Even just saying the words makes me feel excited, but also nervous. So I decided on the first topic being relative to sharing and that is, Finding my Voice. Of all the things I have experienced, the traumas I have healed myself from, the false core narratives I have corrected and let melt away, THIS was the hardest to concur and something that still creeps around from time to time. Finding your voice is a HUGE part of connecting to one’s true and higher self. It tangles in with healing, forgiveness, self-love, self-esteem, honoring your sacred space and more. Finding my Voice was such a long journey and one I actively still work on, and it is not just the fear of what I say being worthy of being listened to, it is setting boundaries, it is not being afraid to speak truth, it is about the little girl inside me desperately seeking to fit in and people please her way into being liked or even loved. Setting Boundaries are not walls to block others out. They are barriers that set us free to love the right people, most importantly ourselves! Often I would feel like the Little Mermaid when she lost her voice, it was like the words would gather up inside of me, but would never come out. They would run through my mind over and over, but never see the light of day. I would try, but to no avail.
Hello, my name is Jaclyn Duvall and the goal of this blog is authenticity, rawness, and by honoring my story encouraging others to honor theirs. My hope for this blog is to encourage everyone to exude the above mentioned qualities, but to also realize that in humanity our stories, trials and tribulations, our “jagged edges” so to speak can be beautiful, powerful, and are what connect us as human beings like puzzle pieces of life. Everyone deserves to be heard, and on here I encourage interaction with my blogs to engage everyone in conversation. Let’s spread Light & Love, support, communication, lets learn from each other as we are meant to. Let us dig deep and connect to our Intuition and Higher Selves. Ignite the power already within you! Rather than feel without, look within. Know you are not alone, and you are enough!